People who are consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with themselves have satisfying and successful relationships.
It’s a simple equation, and it works the other way too: People who are not consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with themselves have troubled relationships.
This has been one of my key takeaways from a decade-long career as a couples therapist and marriage counsellor.
There is no stronger correlate to determine the quality of a relationship, and so there is no better intervention to improve a relationship than being consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with yourself.
Your reasons for being kind and gentle with yourself, or your reasons for being otherwise, do not matter whatsoever.
People who have had terrible childhoods can learn to be consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with themselves.
People who have experienced trauma can learn to be consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with themselves.
People who are avoidantly attached or anxiously attached can learn to be consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with themselves.
You can have a satisfying and successful relationship without a lot of hard work if you are simply willing to become consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with yourself.
You don’t need to heal your attachment wounds, integrate your shadow, understand your personality type, be a better communicator, or try to negotiate agreements with your partner in order to make yourself ready for a satisfying and successful relationship.
If you will become consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with yourself, you will become ready for the relationship you want.
If it sounds basic, it is. If it sounds simple, it is. But there is one small catch, two actually…
First, you’re probably not nearly as consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with yourself as you believe. It will take a high degree of sensitivity and honesty to recognize the vast room for improvement that almost certainly exists.
Second, the improved relationship that you make yourself ready for through this approach might not be with your current partner. It might be, but it might not be. That’s up to them, not you. When you reach a certain level of being consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with yourself, there will be a tipping point. Either your partner will be inspired by the change in you and will follow suit for themselves, and you will live happily ever after, or you will make yourself a match for a relationship that your partner is not a match for, and it will become clear that the relationship is no longer a good fit.
I’ve understood for a long time that personal growth, not partner negotiation, is the key to satisfying and successful relationships. This understanding sets me apart from most others in my field. The part of this that is becoming so clear now, the discovery that I love so much, is that personal growth is first and foremost a matter of being consistently, enthusiastically, and unconditionally kind and gentle with yourself. It isn’t work. It’s ease.
My R3 Relationship Masterclass is a three-hour deep dive into this fascinating, liberating, and enlightening topic. You are unlikely to hear these perspectives described like this anywhere else. Listen to a free sample here.
Distance sessions worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com
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