Love is Not Enough – Why good boundaries make good relationships
Emotional empathy is often touted as a relationship panacea, but there’s another piece of the puzzle that is often overlooked. In this episode Justice Schanfarber makes a case for the value of emotional boundaries in relationships. Join us as we explore –
Interdependence in relationships – How do we get there from here?
It’s easy to be an advocate for the virtue of interdependence in relationships. You give some, you take some, you can count on each other… what’s not to love.
The word itself has a distinctly modern ring (it peaked in popularity around 1980 and is still going strong), implying a kind of balance that many of us today crave, and reflecting the non-hierarchical ideal so popular in these times.
Interdependence is indeed an apt descriptor for relationships that are resilient, balanced, and mutually enjoyable and supportive for the people in them, and interdependence is a worthy vision and a worthy goal. But how to get there? Do you just decide “From now on I’m going to have an interdependent relationship!”?
Likely not. If interdependence is to thrive in a relationship, first the stages of both dependence and independence will probably have to be sufficiently navigated.
Interdependence comes after dependence and independence
Interdependence in relationships isn’t really a choice, it’s a developmental milestone, a marker of maturity. You don’t just one day choose to be interdependent in relationship (though your choices in general will factor), you grow into being interdependent in relationship.
To grow into a state of relationship interdependence there are, for most of us, prerequisites. One of these prerequisites is experiencing a sufficient amount of dependence in relationships. The other prerequisite is experiencing sufficient independence in a relationship. Now, if you’re a born relationship genius, a Mozart of the interpersonal realm, maybe you can skip these steps, but the rest of us are more or less bound to a certain developmental path.
Interdependence isn’t some mid-ground between being dependent and being independent; it’s a whole different level, one that is potentially reached after accomplishing the tasks at the prior (lower) levels of dependence and independence.
Dependence and independence are both negative and positive
All of us begin our life journey completely dependent on our mother (or a sufficient surrogate). In this sense dependence comes naturally. At some point we grow toward independence; we begin to recognize ourselves as separate from mother. Depending on how we come to understand our experiences, dependence and independence have negative, positive or ambivalent connotations in our life, and we bring these into our intimate adult relationships.
It is in our adult relationships that we work through our issues (most of us have them) around dependence and independence. Hopefully we learn healthy modes of both: how to lean on our partner, have them lean on us, and also how to stand on our own two feet, and allow our partner to do the same. There are healthy and necessary aspects to both modes of being in relationship.
Independence, dependence, or both?
It’s not uncommon to have strong negative associations with dependence or independence or both. Both have a dark side and a light side. Dependency can include generosity, support, and understanding. It can also include manipulation, smothering, and powerlessness. Independence can include self confidence, emotional differentiation, and freedom. It can also include isolation, disconnection, and arrogance.
Put another way, most of us have a complicated relationship with either (or both) dependence or independence. We have to reconcile ourselves with both before we can proceed to the next level.
Some of the positive qualities we can learn through dependence include –
The level of interdependence we can achieve in our relationship hinges upon how well we have integrated the best of both dependence AND independence, and how we have reconciled ourselves with our negative experiences of both. If you want to move toward greater interdependence, take an inventory of your skills in the areas of dependence and independence. Identify the gaps, work on them, and you will be working toward interdependence.
You can want and you can need, but you can’t want and need at the same time
As long as you are focused on “getting your needs met” you will remain out of touch with the forces of desire (sexual and otherwise). You never really connect with what you WANT when you are preoccupied with what you NEED.
“I need you to be more considerate.”
“I need you to clean up.”
“I need you to touch me more.”
We default to the position of need in order to emphasize urgency and importance. The inner voice says “It’s not enough to have preferences and wants, you’ll have to express your NEED for something or it will remain out of reach.”
In fact, if we constantly default to the position of need, we never discover our desire. Many times this is no accident. Many people are frightened or mistrustful of desire, of wanting. They might advocate for their needs, but communicating their desires would be too much.
Wanting is harder than needing
Communicating desires rather than needs makes some people feel selfish or guilty. Additionally, a person who has oriented entirely around needs often has no idea what they actually desire, and they are afraid to face this fact: “I don’t know what I want.”
As I’ve suggested in a recent article, people in highly enmeshed relationships with co-dependent tendencies have difficulty connecting to their own desires because they are overly concerned with what is happening “over there” in their partner.
Facing the truth of what we want, of our desires, is fraught with obstacles. And then there is actually naming our desires, telling our partner what we want.
Making clear requests based on desire or want is quite different from making requests based on needs. Need-based requests sound like demands. They are necessary at times, but like antibiotics they lose their effectiveness when overused.
Need and want sound like they could be close neighbours, but they’re entirely different neighbourhoods. The two can not be at the fore simultaneously. We are connected to one at a time only, and if we’re used to locating ourselves in the place of need we will be strangers to the land of want.
To be clear, need and neediness are not avoidable in life and relationship, and they require their own kind of attention, but it’s important to also be able to discern between need and want, and to make room for wanting.
Today, try using desire-based language (“I want”) rather than need-based language, first in your own mind, and then with your partner. See what happens. Let me know how it goes.
We all have expectations of our partner whether we admit it or not. Acknowledging our expectations to ourselves and our partner means risking difficult conversations and even conflict. It means identifying and communicating our boundaries. This isn’t everyone’s strong point, so many people will avoid confronting their own expectations until things become unbearable, at which point they may suddenly leave the relationship.
Other people haven’t yet discovered that expectations are a normal and necessary part of relationships, so they twist themselves in knots trying to not expect anything. It’s as though having expectations is some kind of failure of character.
Still other people have extraordinary and unrealistic expectations that are bound to eventually make trouble in the relationship. These kinds of expectations are often unconscious, unexamined, and unarticulated, though I’ve worked with some individuals who demonstrably believe themselves to be entitled to their unrealistic and unfair expectations of their partner. In these cases it can be useful to explore where these expectations came from and to re-assess their legitimacy.
It’s helpful to get clear on what your expectations of your partner are, and to name them explicitly. Then you can assess them and decide which ones to discard and which to stand by. Which of your expectations are reasonable? Which are unreasonable? Which are downright ridiculous? (It’s OK to have a laugh at yourself!). Which are negotiable? Which are non-negotiable? Again, having no expectations (like having no boundaries) isn’t really an option in a healthy, vital, reciprocally satisfying relationship.
Ultimately everyone has to determine for themselves which of their expectations (and their partner’s) are reasonable or unreasonable, but I do have some ideas on the topic to share –
What are reasonable expectations in a relationship?
Some examples of expectations that fall into the category of reasonable –
I expect my partner to tell me the truth about their feelings and intentions.
I expect my partner to do what they say they will do, or offer an explanation when they are unable to follow through on their commitments.
I expect my partner to apologize and genuinely feel sorry when they mis-step and hurt me.
I expect my partner to reveal enough of their inner world to me that I can feel emotionally intimate with them.
I expect my partner to be able to hear my perspectives even when they differ from their own.
What are unreasonable expectations?
Some examples of expectations that fall into the category of unreasonable –
I expect my partner to read my mind or know more about my inner world than I can articulate.
I expect my partner to reveal everything about their inner world all the time.
I expect my partner to get all their needs met by me and to meet all my needs.
I expect my partner to see the world pretty much exactly as I do.
The question isn’t whether you have expectations of your partner (you do, even if you don’t recognize it), it’s whether you are conscious of these expectations and willing to articulate them clearly. Also, you don’t have to immediately affirm or discard your expectations. Start by recognizing them. Name them. Live with them for a while and continue to examine them in the context of your relationship, then decide which ones you need to hold on to and which ones you want to let go of; just be honest with yourself about the difference.
