Twelve years ago I skipped the family Christmas and did a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat instead. I joked that it was my present to everyone in my life. It was part self deprecating humor (I wouldn’t be around for Christmas), and part acknowledgement that practicing deep presence is indeed a gift to everyone I touch.
Christmas can represent the best and the worst –
Celebration and frustration. Hopes and disappointments. Memories both sweet and bitter. The ridiculous stress of trying hard to relax.
Through it all, you are either present to the people you love, or you are not.
It’s tempting to sacrifice our presence in the moment in order to pursue our ideas about perfection – the perfect meal, the perfect tree, the perfect holiday, the perfect photos, the perfect gift. The result is usually disappointing. In retrospect, I’ve found myself wishing I had done it the other way around; sacrificed my perfectionist ideals and been more present to the moment, to the people in the moment.
I thought I’d offer a few simple ideas here about what presence is…
- Presence is giving your full attention without distractions. It’s eye contact (and may be physical contact too). It’s no phone or TV or work.
- Presence is allowing the other to have the experience they are having, even as you notice your own experience.
- Presence is your curiosity about this other person in this moment.
- Presence is patience, allowing the other to express their self in their way in their time.
- Presence is dropping your agenda and holding space for whatever wants to happen.
- Presence is having an experience and noticing it at the same time.
Presence is also at the root of my new relationship book, The Re-connection Handbook for Couples. You’ll hear more about it in the new year, but you can have a peek now if you like. Read a sample or purchase your digital copy by clicking here. Let me know what you think.
May your holidays be bright, and if they are not bright, may they be dark in the richest possible ways.
All My Best,
Justice
Like what you’re reading here?
You’ll love my new book.
Read the first 10 pages free.
Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counselling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on the issues that make or break relationships – Sessions by telephone/skype worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com
Sign up to get my articles by email –
Want to share this article? Use the buttons below.
2 replies on “Presents are nice, but PRESENCE is the best gift ever.”
Hi Justice,
I like what you are writing. I read your article in the German Huffington post in Facebook http://m.huffpost.com/de/entry/8415358?ncid=fcbklnkdehpmg00000002. I couldn’t find it in English though. Is that available? I would like to share it with my husband as a sign that I understood that he also needs attention and my presence. As you said, it goes both ways.
There is so much regurgitated and re-used wisdom in all these social networks. It was really good to read something that conveyed passion and conviction.
I wish you a good start into the new year! Please continue your articles 🙂
Best regards,
Judith
Hi Judith, I believe this is the article you are looking for – https://www.justiceschanfarber.com/marriage-why-women-leave-cheat/. Thanks for your comment 🙂 Also, since you’re interested in my writing, you can take a look at the new book I just published here – https://www.justiceschanfarber.com/the-re-connection-handbook-for-couples/ Best, Justice