You mention self-awareness almost incidentally. You acknowledge that you may have made it sound easy. It’s the symptoms you write about that are the incidentals. In fact, only self-awareness can broker change. I would take it one step further – self acceptance, forgiveness of self and self-love enable self-awareness. Sincere intimate connection with another person isn’t possible unless and until that connection happens with self.

Acknowledging my part in any relationship, painful or other, requires realistic adoption of my part in life, first. My capacity to love another can never exceed my capacity to love myself. Until I can learn to accept my own humanity, I can’t accept another’s. Until I can acknowledge, accept and forgive my own weaknesses, I can’t see how acceptance and forgiveness of others can even be understood.

Replace the “HER” pronoun with “YOURSELF” in the first article to address more than just the symptoms. It’s not to say that awareness of self would not arise from elevating awareness of another – only to say that one is a prerequisite of the other, without which insincerity would prevail.

It’s certainly true that problems with presence aren’t a male-only phenomenon. I might reframe this by discussing it in terms of intimacy, the willingness and ability to be emotionally available to your partner. Certainly men tend to be more emotionally taciturn than women in our culture, but I suspect that women are just as likely to be wary of genuine intimacy. I assume that there are some gender differences for such wariness, but I admit this is speculation.

Either way, I think it is complicated by the multiple domains within every marriage: financial, sexual, social, domestic, parental, etc. It’s possible to be intimate/present in some of these domains and not others…and if there is not enough of a match between partners, then there will be instability and unhappiness. I think that this is where confusion and fighting can set in…two partners might see themselves as adequately intimate/present, but not understand that each needs it in specific areas that are lacking. So, if a husband has become sexually distant (assuming non-cheating reasons), he might not grasp why his wife isn’t satisfied despite the other domains in which he is wonderfully intimate/present.

Solutions require commitment from both partners. One needs to be able to speak up about where their needs are being unmet and the other must work on strengthening the ability to engage in those areas. And more often than not, it’s ultimately about overcoming anxiety related to the vulnerability of intimacy. And that is hard but very worthy work.

I read part one and cried through the article. Hits everything on the button. I’ve been in a marriage for 20 years, left for 2 years total, but continued to work at our relationship. Came back to the homestead, and now feel things slipping back to the problematic ways once again. I don’t understand why nor want to except it…and now am in a position of unpredictability. You think that life would be wonderful now, reunited…that lessons learned…… Woman want to be loved and validated, and heard. Yes the man as well, but our needs are obviously very different. I’m 20 years into a marriage, and still am stuggling to keep things together….It doesn’t make sense that life should be so challenging….all the time. I’m looking for answers to help, do i see him doing the same….I think not. He just wants to blame me and not be accountable for anything…and thats where the problem originates i think.

It is true that it’s nit always the mans fault. I am 25 years old i was with someone and got pregnant.(i was 17) when we first started dating everything was great he was nice he acted like he cared and was always there. Once i got pregnant he started pressuring me into marrying him, eventually i gave in and that’s when everything changed for the worse. He started getting abusive both physically and mentally and any other way you can think of. I stayed with him for the sake of our son since i knew how it was to grow up without a father. After a year my husbands father got sick and we moved 800 miles away from anyone i knew to a place where he grew up. He then started cheating on me while i was at work. He refused to ever get a job and would never do anything around the house. After a while i lost my passion for everything even life itself. The only thing that kept me going was my son. Finally i told him that i was moving back home and that he could come with me it but and that it was his choice but i was leaving and i was taking my son with me. I hoped that with the chance if losing me things would change and they did for a few months and than he went back to the way he was and i finally filled for divorce after 3 years of marriage. And i knew it could also be because of how young we were. About a year after that i started seeing this guy that i had know for 8 years and that had looked allot. I never let it get to serious because i was scared and wanted to see if my son would like him as well (thankfully he did) we were together for a year before we got married and in that year everything was great. But after we got married i started to worry that things were going to be the same way as my first marriage. And this made me change, not because of him but because of my own fears and insecurities. We have been married for 3 years and now have 3 children. But sometimes i feel like i am losing him. When i talk to him about it he says i worry to much that he loves me unconditionally and that there is nothing in this world that would make him want to leave me. When we first got together he said the only thing that would ever make him leave me was if i were to ever cheat on him, but now he says that that wouldn’t make him leave. I guess my real question is how do you get the passion back when it stands from your own fears and insecurities when your partner is doing everything they need to do.

I lived through a marriage for 44 years that was disconnected. He really was a good person in his own way: he was conscientious, did all the repairs and things around the house and yard when needed, kept the vehicles in good running order all the time, an extremely hard worker, not lazy or procrastinating, very smart; but he did not know how to connect on a mental or emotional level with me. His likes and wants took precedence over me and our family.
I left three times and each time he cried and told me how much he loved me and that things would change. I came back; but the last time I decided that if I didn’t have enough guts or strength to resist his pleas and reassurances, then I was going to have to learn coping mechanisms within myself to accept his assertiveness, his machoism, and his mental disconnect to me as a smart, worthwhile person of his equal.
I read an article that influenced my last years with him. I taught myself to say “it doesn’t matter”. At first, it was hard but with repeated use, I began to find that some things really did not matter. It was the expectation of something being a certain way, when reality was the opposite of the expectations, that made up the majority of my unhappiness. Once I got past the hurtle of “expecting” a certain result and accepting the real/actual result, I was able to gradually resume life in a passably happy manner.
Sometimes the expectations that I had repressed would bubble to the surface, when he would pick at me until I broke; but for the most part I was able to refrain from descending to his level of disdain, by clamping my mind down and repeating to myself: “it doesn’t matter”.
Not that I am saying this is right or wrong, or even that it is right for everyone; but for me, it enabled me to live my daily life in a relatively happy manner. I will say that I was never sure who the real “me” was, because I repressed that person; but the me that was present was not as unhappy as the me that had been.
Now my husband has passed and over the last year or so, I have been gradually finding my old self who loves to laugh and do silly things; but age has hampered many of the things I thought I was and am now unable to be and in some ways, it just doesn’t matter anymore.
I think, in life and in relationships, maybe we expect more than our partners can give. Not everyone is able to connect with others mentally and emotionally and the ability to recognize that becomes an important aspect in a relationship. What you do, and how you deal with that knowledge, is probably the key to your (un)happiness.

Interestingly enough, the majority of commitment-phobic, emotionally absent people I’ve observed over the years have been women. I have watched their men strive to please them while they bury their heads in their phones and let life pass by. The issues of presence and intimacy are ones we all have to be aware of, particularly given the polarizing effects of social media, television etc. We’ve become so easy to distract. The idea of an iron-clad marriage vow no longer applies, if indeed it ever has. If you want to stay with someone longterm, you have to choose them over and over, every day. It’s a choice–one that must be renewed continuously throughout the relationship. Be comfortable, by all means. But never forget that your partner, male or female, owes you nothing if you aren’t present in the relationship. They can walk out as quickly as they walked in, and you’ll be left wondering what’s just hit you. We need to look up now and then and realize that, while we stare at our screens, life continues without us.

I absolutely hated reading this. But then again the truth hurts and cuts the deepest. I have been guilty of neglecting my wife and driven my marriage to the brink of separation numerous times. Often nights in my household would end with me on the couch and my wife screaming for my attention or affection. But she knows her role in our lives, and she knows I am married to the Army first and her second. The needs of the Army come first in our family and we have gone from agreement to disagreement, acceptance and disdain of that fact many times. But this sacrifice is one we both chose to make (me when i joined, and her when she married me). Not to say i have not made any effort in our relationship but it seems every time we get to a place where our marriage seems it can stand for ever the army gets in the way. And the stresses of my profession and family life require outlets of some sort, so there i go again spending what little time i do have with my family in a bar or at a shinn digg. Im afraid to face my family without letting some of it out at least because i cannot bring it home with me. I guess that is what is hardest for my wife to understand. In the few years we have been together over half i have been gone, And she never fails to remind me this deployment will be the last. Something needs to change or i will loose her forever and not just for 9 months. I think that what i have just read might just be enough to get us back on track and hopefully down a path to success, THANKS FOR THE INSIGHT!

I really like these two articles Justice. I especially liked your point: “We’re ALL subject to social patterns and structures, and gender figures heavily. ” It is pointless to look at these personal matters as if they were isolated from larger social patterns and structures. Our society avoids looking at the larger picture – as if doing so were taboo. I want to know: why do so many men insist on women compromising their sense of selfhood in order to find them acceptable? In order to find women attractive and long term relationship material? Why do they insist that women give up their last names in marriage? Why do men insist that God is masculine and not feminine? Why do so many men get addicted to porn — addicted to visually accessing the sexuality of women they don’t know and aren’t relating to? It is the non mutuality of pornography – the inability for the woman to say no – to perceive for herself – to give gradually based on her own desire after she receives (as an empowered self) – that so many men find appealing in porn. The energetic absence of men in relationships is just one more example of a male dominated society’s systematic negation of women and widespread dysfunction. I don’t believe it will be solved until this deeper issue is addressed. And addressing it means women have to stop going along with it – don’t change your name when you get married. Stop worshiping an only-male god. Stop giving a pass to sexist language – no “man” does not mean “humankind” anymore than”woman” does. No the b word is not okay. Don’t tolerate porn if your instincts tell you it is wrong. Don’t fake orgasms. In fact try going without make up. Don’t waste your .80 to the dollar on concealer and fake eyelashes. Protect your beautiful pubic hairs. Don’t mutilate your body. Say yes to you and make your man earn your presence and your pleasure. If you compromise the full power of your authentic selfhood to get in a relationship with a man don’t be surprised when the man you get in a relationship with treats you as if your selfhood isn’t important or desirable. And yes having this standard means you might have to go without. Or that you might leave after years of trying to get him to see you.

Flashback eleven years, I was there, he wasn’t. We spent a whole weekend not talking; the only conversation was at dinner. He was totally devastated when I told him I was leaving after twenty five years of marriage. I wanted to leave years before but had sworn to uphold my vows. Approaching fifty, I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I saw him last week at his relative’s funeral, he hugged and kissed me on the cheek, but we have had no other contact. We have no children.

I am currently seeing someone who gets this concept, I see it in him, and I read it in his posts to me from afar. I agree both genders can fall into this and I am committed to not let it happen to us. To all those reading this, there is always hope ; never give up on finding love. We’re 60 and 61.

As the distant one in the relationship, thank you for publishing these articles. Thank you for putting things into perspective. I am stubborn and hard headed and run away from things that hurt me emotionally and you have well and truly struck a chord my husband has trying to play for years. Thank you for the solid advice, not only letting my husband know he is not alone but giving clear guidelines on how to fix it. For those in my shoes, who have been or are the selfish ones, it’s not worth it and you can make a change. It really is as easy as being mindful and making small but significant changes. I am lucky enough to have someone so tolerant that though I know he wants to has stayed with someone who he does not feel he gets any love or support off. For those in my partners situation, know that it’s usually not you, it’s as the article describes, a loss of passion and forgetting how blessed we are and how good we have it. Just not taking things for granted. I have committed to make a marked effort for my husband and make the change our relationship so badly desires. Thank you for the help in this.

Wow. I’ve read both articles and all the comments and I love all the diversity and seeing all the different points of view and the different emotional levels people are at.

All I could do was nod in agreement with these articles; not because I’m currently in that sort of relationship but because I have come from many of them. At 26 I know it is important to feel validated and “seen” in a relationship. I was so angry when I ended my first long term relationship that I hated the man I was with. Thankfully a friend pointed out to me that you shouldn’t hate your spouse…….something I probably should have picked up on 😛 but when you feel that lonely and depressed it’s difficult to notice the obvious. I can acknowledge now that it wasn’t purely his “fault”. I was very much caught up in not being “that girl” at the time. But that simply served to make the relationship one sided. I became unhappy because I thought I should get all my happiness from my partner and not focus on my own path. Co-dependance anyone…..? We broke up, and after years of ditching man after man because I was afraid they wouldn’t be able to handle me (I’m a creative person and we aren’t exactly super cruisey people…we love emotion and expressing them lol which basically automatically makes me “that girl”) it took a near death experience for me to finally click with, and start practising self-awareness. Which I thought I knew how to do before but man oh man was I wrong. It’s one thing to practise self-love, but another thing entirely to practise self-ACCEPTANCE. FULL self-acceptance. Once I did that everything fell into place; including finding someone with whom I click. To get back on topic; I’m now with someone who encourages me to speak up when I feel there is disconnection, and also recognises when it’s there himself. I understand this will probably happen a lot in our relationship as he’s a high functioning aspergic. However; the most important thing for me is that he recognises, accepts and apologises when this happens, and I see him TRYING to make sure it happens less frequently. But I know life happens and he’s human and sometimes people need reminding. We’ve had a very rough start, but we’re both committed to being present and compassionate with each other and so far this has brought us closer during events that very easily break couples. If both parties can acknowledge when they’re being absent and take steps to fix it then it gives hope for the future. Being able to share emotions/feelings and discuss the relationship is key; if you don’t feel comfortable/safe doing so there’s a message in that…
Make sure you love yourself as well as your partner. Being present to both your needs and your partners will help keep balance.

I have to say that I’ve definitely felt this way in my marriage too but that was before I came to know the Lord. Now here me out. We all have needs and some are deep needs that only the Lord can meet. Each one of us have a God-shaped whole that only He can fill. I was really considering leaving my husband because I felt like these two articles describe. So I thought the only way around it was to leave my husband. But the truth is no one can fulfill your deep unmet needs. No one. And as long as you keep looking for that husband or wife that can, you’ll always be searching. Our Creator created us to have this deep yearning inside that only He can fill. It was on purpose because He wants a deep and intimate relationship with each one of us. I truly believe that if we let God do what only He can do, our marriages would be what He designed them to be. A marriage is about an earthly relationship with Christ at the center guiding and directing our lives together for the greater good of all. Our lives are a gift and we need to get back to the real reason why we’re here in the first place and that’s to live a life that is about more then what our eyes can see.

Your comment
“Why are women so much more likely to show up in my office BEFORE they drop the hammer, while men tend to wait until AFTER the hammer is dropped?”

One reason i believe is that women tend to pander to a mans needs in all the mundane ways as well as sexual, so the man is in his comfort zone. If he is noticing any dissatisfaction the distractions of his daily routine, hobbies and interests keep him in his comfort zone. For the woman it is glaringly obvious that something is missing – she is not getting love, approval, appreciation etc; she can feel like she is only the housekeeper and sexual object – there is a huge hole in her life. You can only live with that for so long. You have to believe in yourself enough to believe there is a better life for you. Because she loves him councelling offers a way to try and fix it first. But sometimes it takes such an earthshattering change for her to make that change that she just has to get up and go.

We look for in our partner, what we didn’t get from our parents… then we’re disappointed, once again, when we don’t receive it.

It makes me sad to read through most of these comments and see so much blame.
‘
But a thought provoking article. Thank you

Greetings from Calgary, Canada. We have been married 55 years and have survived many challenges but also had many moments of great joy. We have spent the last 15 years trying to ‘Pay It Forward’ by working with couples in all type of relationships trying effect change and bring about some level of relational joy for all . Your article is a valuable resource for us to share in the future work we do. Many thanks

I am so glad I saw this article. I felt like a lone ranger. I to have made the decision to leave my marriage. Not because I dont love him, because he will not communicate and I feel taken for granted. He says I am being obstinant and not wanting to work at it. I have tried for over 5 years to keep it together. Making the sacrifices and changes to keep our marriage going. After an arguement it felt like I was bring cut to the bone. I felt horrible. I felt like I should leave the world because I could not provide enough of what he wanted. I am devastated. I had enough and called a stop to it. He is not happy and says I will not try so I am having to take the heavy. Not easy but will I will get jealthier daily. Thank for the article. One alot of people need to read.

My husband and I have the marriage family and friends wish they had. We are yoked equally spiritually, faithfully, intelligence, values, principles, humor . . . and more. We knew each other in a work atmosphere before we were an item. On our first date we professed our love for each other. My husband did something that may be the secret to a perfect marriage. He asked me to please understand that he did not have a crystal ball, or psychic abilities – if I wanted him to know something – I needed to just tell him. He said he would gladly give me the moon if I would just tell him I wanted it or anything, and if it was in his power to give me my request, he would happily do it. We are basically the same people we were when we married – and that is fabulous. We have dealt with so much in twenty years – changing careers, selling our home to pay medical bills, raising teenagers together, stage 4 cancer (Him), 4 degenerative diseases (Me) . . . and yet we laugh everyday at ourselves, at situations, at others. We have never lost any of our friendship, passion and love, only realized that tended every day it grows and grows and grows until at times the thought of it takes my breath away.

I could very much relate to both articles. I would be very interested in reading your take on married to and/or divorced from a narcissist. Recently, my 15 year marriage ended. After some therapy and research I saw that my entire marriage followed a seemingly clear pattern of being married to a narcissist. I have become aware of terms used to describe the mental abuse I endured through out the marriage. I am left feeling shocked, sad and angey. I thought I was too smart to have something like this happen to me. I think back over the 15 years and wonder if the person I thought I married ever really existed. I am taking steps and going to therapy to: #1. Wrap my head around the what/when and how I could fall into a relationship like this because I honestly feel quite stupid and confused. #2. Make sure I am in a healthy place to be able to enter into a healthy relationship. I am thankful to be free. The relationship was following a fairly predictable course and considering how fast the progression was moving, I feel lucky to have gotten out when I did. I do have fears of retaliation which I have already experienced a good bit even before the marriage ended but I know there is more to come. I wish more women and men were aware of being in this type of relationship. I tried for years to save the marriage. I am very curious as to what your thoughts are on these types of relationships.

I used to think there were two people in my marriage, my husband and me, but not so sure now.
I share my home with numerous women and teenagers every day, parading around, half dressed, crawling all over other men, showing off their intimate body parts, teasing and taunting all the time. Who are these women? The ones who for some reason have no self respect, but instead parade all over every ad, tv series, movie or programme on any media form you care to name.
I didn’t get married to be a in a visual harem! How do I know if my husband wants sex with me because he loves me, or because of the never ending parade of other females through my home! Yes I’ve looked after myself and been proactive with him, but as I get a bit older, I am beginning to be cynical about why he comes near me. He often has little emotional flings with younger women and I’m tired of it after 30 years of marriage, much of which has been good, but, Oh My God, can’t I be the woman of my own home even when the idiot box is on? I won’t leave, but I am making friends with other people more than ever, and valuing their feed back more than his glib talk.
I am lonely, but hopefully showing my sons how to relate In a faithful way to their partners. I don’t let them know my feelings or fight, but this is the first time I have put it into words….feels good. Lowest of the low, women who betray their own kind.

Great articles…I really appreciated all the comments also. I recently (about 7 months) ago left a relationship (live in with child) after decline of communication and emotional connection/presentness. We have a 5 year old child together, so yes, it was a very heart wrenching situation and one that took every ounce of courage and mindfulness on my part to leave. However, I could not and would not abdicate self-responsibility for my life and stay for the sake of convenience, finances, or our daughter. It just seemed like death to me to stay ; to look at the next 20-40 years and see no aliveness , nor connection, nor true intimacy. And I truly believe that sets a terrible example and model for my daughter.
My ex partner and I have worked thru some difficult stages, and we seem to be in a good place in this moment. Things are friendly and civil. He seems to get his “disconnection” and his ‘denial’ , and he is , in fact, working on those things in counseling.
Now I find myself in the spot some others mentioned above – I’m very happy it being just my daughter and myself. I feel tremendous relief that I can one again be myself. I am not looking nor do I want another relationship at this point. I do find that society looks down on me a little for that choice though….

My friend sent me the link to this article after I finally told her how I had been feeling for the past 4 years. I read it & had to stop often because tears just filled my eyes. Like most people, I felt as though I wrote part 1 of the article. The only difference is that we are hardly having sex. I’ve struggled for so long to come to terms with my feelings without feeling guilty because he is a great man, very patient & kind but completely absent!!! We both work full time and sometimes I will work 60 + hours a week. I will come home completely exhausted & still cook dinner for my husband & prepare his lunches for the next day & then clean after. I’ve always gone above & beyond for him & I’m not complaining about that, I do those things because that is me, I feel that is what a wife should do for her husband regardless. He has never had to lift a finger around the house & I do a lot of the “manly” tasks also because it’s easier then asking (even though it’s clear that I should have to ask) my only real problem is that it has all become expected of me, I don’t get a thank you or any acknowledgement that i work myself to death at work only to come home & do the exact same thing all while he is on this cell phone, lap top or watching movies in his beloved “man cave” when I attempt to have a conversation with him I’m lucky to get a grunt out of him let alone a conversation. Im also very affectionate with & try to have romance but he doesn’t seem to want any part of it. I’ve never hid my feelings from him, I’ve always wanted to him be aware of how I was feeling so that together we could work on it, I’ve suggested counseling but always get told we do not need it & he is happy! I can honestly say that I think my husband loves me BUT not how a husband should love his wife. There is nothing there when he looks at me, the last time he told me I was beautiful was on our wedding day. I don’t seek attention from other men, I want it from my husband but sadly I never receive it. You start losing yourself little by little. Although my husbands physical presence is here I’ve never felt so alone & I can honestly say it’s the worst feeling ever! It truly does crush your heart 🙁 after reading this article I sat on it for a few days, I wanted to see how he was (after again recently telling him how we need to work on our marriage) there was no change, not even sightly. So I decided to send him the link to the article, he asks why I’m texting him & i asked him to please read it, his reply was that “it’s too long, I just got home & want to relax” my husband is very educated, highly intelligent & LOVES to read yet this very short article was “too long” that right there gave me so many answers. I’m sure after a minute he read it, a few days had passed & still no change. Sadly I have given up, I’m at the point where if I do not see a consistent effort I will separate from him. I do deserve to be happy every single day & even if I find that happiness alone that is ok, I’ve come to the realization that I can not put someone else’s needs & happiness above my own anymore. I wish everyone out there luck, I have found comfort reading a lot of comments & knowing that I’m not alone xxx

My wife (whom I’ve been with for 11 years) left me 4 weeks ago claiming she hasn’t loved me for 18 months!!! I was totally devastated!!! My mind was all over the place for a couple of weeks, I could see almost immediately what went wrong and set about frantically trying to fix things. The strange thing was, that when I realised that this was real and it was over, her feelings for me were dead, something odd happened. I snapped out of the depression that I had created for myself (you can get stuck in a rut) and have not been this active since I was a teenager!

I knew we were arguing and that things were not brilliant for quite a while, but we ‘MEN’ think that this is a glitch that will sort itself out. I had no clear warning …… just the bomb.

I have lost the love of my life through a period of inactivity/depression and lack of real understanding. I didn’t listen, we DO think everything is ‘OK’ and when you (women) drop hints or start acting peculiar or in off ways, we simply think ‘she’s on one again’ and get defensive and then so do you! And that’s when it kicks off… it’s not our fault, it’s how WE are programmed.

Very few women here seem to be ‘actively’ sitting their men down and talking about their problems and explaining that whatever is going on is eventually going to be a deal breaker, that way I’m sure most would sit up, listen and act, instead of just thinking you’re nagging. You see, we are quite simple creatures who only want to protect, love, feed and occasionally treat our wife’s, once that is sorted we think ‘job done’. Most of us haven’t been to the school of how complicated women’s feelings are and what they need, we think in our minds that we are providing what you need but in reality you crave a deeper connection and understanding.

It would seem that I realised this too late….

To think that she hadn’t loved me for so long really hurt and makes me think as to how she could know this and not tell me, and also that basically everything and every experience for the last year and a half was based on a lie and totally unfair.

Some women rant on about equality and I have no problem with equal rights, what I do have a problem with is women who ‘choose’ to live by a distorted view of equality who then demand preferential treatment whilst withholding the things that a man needs. You see men need sex to connect, withholding just creates a stalemate where the woman will in no way receive what she needs emotionally. It’s pretty obvious when you think about it.

There is a new breed of women coming up, they are the ones that think marriage or men are disposable, they read all these magazines that have distorted feminist views. We men don’t, we watch Dave and ultimately turn to internet porn, not because we are perverts or that the models are better looking, it’s because it’s AVAILABLE!!!

We do all deserve to be happy, it is ourselves that choose not to be, through lack of communication. The thing is, the happiness has always been there, we just sometimes forget where we put it.

These posts really hit home with me. This is my second marriage. First marriage ended due to alcohol abuse on my spouse’s part which led to emotional distance. At the beginning of my relationship with my second husband, I thought that we would always have each other because we were such great friends. His first marriage was crappy because his wife really liked the idea of marriage, but really was an emotionally cold person. He always said she was not affectionate and did not want to do anything with him or go out etc. Now he has become her. He is never affectionate, I always initiate affection with limited results. Sex has become very much a weekend chore. He only works part-time (while I work full-time) and golfs or watches sports every spare moment. He does not want to go dancing anymore (he said his wife never wanted to and he loved dancing) and when we go on vacation, he wants to go to bed really early. I know everyone says have you told him. I have and he says if you don’t love me the way I am, get rid of me. I got a huge eye opening recently when I met a much, much younger man at a family party who danced the night away with me, was very complimentary of me and made me feel like the physically fit, active and dynamic person I am. (Frankly, my husband has let himself go.) The young man is too young unfortunately to be an option and I rarely meet men who interest me. So, I have to decide to be stuck with the rest of my life with very nice, very inattentive and unsatisfying husband or take the chance and ask him to leave and be alone for the rest of my life. I look good for my age (young guy thought I was 30), but I am not young and its hard to find a mate as you get older particularly if you live in a rural region. Thanks for listening, it felt good to vent.

Yea, I got a lot to say as does everyone else, judging from the lengthy and numerous posts,but it’s not going to change anything if I do, nor is it going to change anything for anyone else. So I guess I won’t say anything at all to the tragedy of love lost or love never had a chance or too late for love or all the many versions of heartbreak that are out there. Who wants to listen to one more story, maybe only the person telling the story hoping someone might hear them and therefore see them and somehow possibly validate their existence and maybe their pain and suffering or maybe anger and resentment. The real tragedy is not that love went south or she left or he left or whatever version it is – the the real tragedy is not what happened or who was to blame but that love will never be again or you don’t get another chance for love … That you will never have the chance to love again…love followed by pain rolled by love again is not so bad but love followed by followed by nothing feels like you are a ghost wandering among the loving longing for a glance of love and the sweet embrace of another but alas that is not possible for a ghost is it…